Welcome to The Tribe.
Your Humble Ruler, Rajah Cheech Beldone, King of the Gypsies.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I feel for you, buddy

Oh fuck, do we REALLY have to do this, for fuck's sakes? This movie is older than fucking DIRT already!! OK, OK.

OK, so I was making a reference in another post (under construction) to Tomas Arana, the Hardest Working Dude You Never Heard Of in Movies.
Among his many many notable roles, I referred to him as playing Quintus,

Maximus' turncoat officer in Gladiator

Yeah, that's the AWESOME Sven Ole Thorssen in the helmet, he has his own post coming

Anyways, as you recall, when Johnny Cash suffocates Richard Fuckin Harris,

I was going to make some comment about Henry Fuckin Porter's school principal, but come on, it's Richard Fuckin Harris. For fuck's sakes.

Quintus, who had previously been Maximus's right hand dude, suddenly jumps ship when Commodious

Am I the only one who spent half the movie sniggering like a junior high school kid every time they said his name?
"Heh heh heh, Emperor Toilet, heh heh heh, get it?"

promotes him to the head of the Praetorians.

And, of course, we boo and hiss and everything because he turned bad!
He got Rusty fired!
He made them go kill (the admittedly STINKING hot) Mrs Rusty and Rusty Jr and made RUSTY CRY!!!!!!!!!


BUT, here's the thing.
Check out EVERY dialogue they have together.
In every case, Quintus' reasonable contributions are met with Maximus being a pissy, contrarian, passive aggressive cunt.
One of those COMPLETE asswipe bosses who takes advantage of every possible opportunity to be rude, belittling, and dismissive, for no other reason than (for the same reason a dog licks his nuts) THEY CAN.

QUINTUS: Soldier, I ordered you to move those catapults forward, they're out of range.
MAXIMUS: Range is good.
QUINTUS: The danger to the cavalry...

MAXIMUS [interrupts]: It is acceptable, agreed?
Uh, sure, whatever you say. You're the boss.

[As the barbarian calls out his cry, his mangy band of barbarians emerge from the forest, shaking and waving their spears and shields, ready to fight.]
QUINTUS: People should know when they're conquered.
MAXIMUS: Would you, Quintus? Would I?

I was just. Making. A comment.

And even after the big fucking battle, after they've routed that last of the hairy Germanaical types from the forest, Maximus is named a giant fucking hero of Rome, and they're at the After Party, General Shitheel still can't be arsed to even be fucking civil to the dude who contributed most majorly to the Big Fuckin Win.

QUINTUS: General!
MAXIMUS: Still alive?
QUINTUS: Still alive.
MAXIMUS: The gods must have a sense of humour.

VALERIUS: Back to your barracks, General, or to Rome?
MAXIMUS: Home. The wife, the son, the harvest.
QUINTUS: Maximus the farmer. I still have trouble imagining that.
MAXIMUS: You know, Quintus, dirt cleans off a lot easier than blood. 

Oh really? General COCKSUCKER?!??!?

So, you can see, it's pretty tough to blame Quintus for taking King Toilet up on his offer later on.
In fact, you can even appreciate how he might generate a little more relish at the prospect of removing Maximus from the equation than he might have otherwise.

Of course, when it's time to punch Maximosa's ticket, Quintus fucks up and sends a fuckin redheaded dude to do the job, which everyone knows is a bonehead play, and the rest is, well, the movie.


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