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Your Humble Ruler, Rajah Cheech Beldone, King of the Gypsies.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Medieval Merriment Mediocrely Maintained

OK, so a while ago I watched a double feature of Snow White & the Huntsman

I know you're dying to mentally swap in a C for the H on that last word, go ahead, knock yourself out

and Black Death

mostly just as a sort of holdover to satisfy my jonesing for Guys in Armour Riding Around on Horses and Poking each Other with Sharp Stuff whilst I impatiently wait for them to finish S3 of Game of Thrones.

Notice how the bonehead tried to 'Shop Dinklage to scale, but he just ended up looking fucked up

The Snow Whitey deal looked interesting, you know, they got Hemmers going there, not as Thor or anything, but still.

and La Theronista

Yeah, they got this one bit where she gets coated in white chocolate or some fucking thing...tell you what, if I'd a got one of THEM for Easter when I was a kid, I'd have DEFINITELY eaten the ass first...no question

Even that plank of 1X4 pine Kristen Whatsis is bearable.

In this movie the unicorns love her, which only proves that mythical horse-type beasties don't watch Twilight movies

I don't get too perturbed by her, any time it looks like she's taking herself too seriously, I just remember her in Panic Room

Where she was like some kind of Lesbanian Cadet or some fucking thing.

Oh, and speaking of which, I don't give a fucking monkey's how much rug she munches, Foster in Panic Room??

I drew so much fucking wood, they were calling me Pinocchio for a week.
In fact, uh...hang on, I'll be right back.

Whew. OK, all better.
So any fucking ways, while the Snow White & etc had some flaws, like, for instance, I'm pretty sure they gave the whole end battle sequence to 3 nine-year-old boys in a treehouse to plan and execute, one of the best things about the whole deal is the Dwarfy/Midget guys.
I know I ain't supposed to call them Midgety, but here's the catch:
They were just regular sized dudes!
Yeah, they got like 7 or 8 (the number seemed to change all the time) guys, who are all pretty much totally badass actors,

I know! I ain't fucking making this up!

And then used CG and other trickery to make them little dudes.

And it was fucking fantastic, seriously, pretty much flawless, seriously well done.

And not a fuckin Warwick in sight.

Seriously, you got to recognize, when you're making a movie, you have the choice between using REAL little dudes

Who maybe aren't such shit hot actors, or computing regular dudes to look like little guys.

Which can have its own unique problems.

With approximately ONE notable exception

You got Jason Acuña

and, of course, the Dinkstaaah (who would be a GAWD in any size ordered).

If I could be HALF as cool as him at TWICE his height...wait, let me get my calculator...
And otherwise, you know you're going to be sacrificing acting talent for requisite shortitude.

Like, take, for example, Lord of the Rings.
Now, imagine, for a moment, if they'd decided to go the other way.

Just think how much better it would have been if they'd been able to, for the wee Hobbitals, hire regular size dudes who could really act.

Serious improvement.


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