Kanook Komedy Kavalcade

Yeah, so, sorry, you know, we always try to hit the most cosmopolitan, internationalist type of note here, and really do endeavour to avoid content that may isolate or marginalize even a single attendee.

But every now and then, it's unavoidable.
So I apologise in advance for the following, which probably won't mean much to the non-Canookistanians among you.

Ayways, stick around, there's a recipe coming at the end.

So OK, when I was a kid me and all my friends worked in a record store, well, for different mall branches of a record store, and my boss at my location was this girl who came from Biggar, Saskatchewan.
I'm not making that up

She was, needless to say, one of those typical small-town girls who moves to the "big" city and starts a whole new life.

She did OK, she was sort of a den mother-type deal to me and my friends, who tended to kind of run a little wild, she took a lot of shit off us.

Anyways, she had, no shit, like 12 or 13 brothers and sisters. A couple of them had followed her to the city, so there was one of those mini-cells.

And, after a while, she invited her folks to come and visit.

Now her Ma and Pa were pretty much Spitters for Farmer and Mrs. Hoggett

Except he was a Railroad Man (remember when they used to have them?

What's that old joke, What's the difference between Regina and Siberia?

You can get to Siberia by train)

So any fuckin ways, Ma and Pa come to town, and my boss wants to really show them a swell time (and kind of impress them a little at the same time, as one does), so she takes them to this super trendy resto, the first in town, I believe, to introduce that most obnoxious of palate-spankers, the dreaded California Cuisine

Needless to say, the folks didn't get to the city much.
So the story goes, they were sitting there and the waiter came to take their order.

And he asked Ma what kind of dressing she wanted on her salad, doubtless offering her the choice of a mango-caper vinaigrette with fresh spearmint, creamy infused portobello with garlic-brackenberry puree, or smoked cayenne cognac and water chestnut liquor.

so Ma just thinks for a second and goes

"Miracle Whip, please."

OK, right about now you should be pissing down both legs, if not, well, don't say I didn't warn you.

ANY fuckin ways, I made this a couple nights ago, it's pretty fuckin nice, man, especially here, where if you want salad dressing you're confined to either tarted-up McNuggets dipping sauce with a fancy label from Northern California or New fucking Mexico at like US$45 for a bottle, or the local generic shit composed entirely of various petroleum products and fructose.

Russian Dressing

(I knew I'd be using it a lot so I made double this, even doubled it's still only about 750ml)

¼ cup sugar (or honey)
3 tablespoons water
1 cup olive oil
½ cup ketchup
juice of one lemon
juice of one orange
1 teaspoon vinegar
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon paprika
1 ½ teaspoons celery seeds/powder
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
¼ cup grated onion

1. In a sauce pan cook sugar and water until thick (this is the only tricky part, in case you're doing this and it's your first time ever in a kitchen, DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON THIS, it must be stirred constantly as long there's heat under it; failure to do so can very possibly end up with your pot, spoon, maybe stove, hell maybe even you being rendered permanently into a solid block of fucking carbonite, which nobody wants...)
   

   

   This dressing's no good to you dead.

2. Cool syrup.
3. Combine the remaining ingredients.
4. Add syrup and whisk to blend well.
5. Let rest for 10 minutes and then blend again. Repeat at least 3 times.
   
   
   When it's completely cool, decant into a tightly covered container, preferably glass. It will keep forever in the fridge, just make sure to shake the snot out of it before using it.
   Be careful during prep, there's a fair shot of oil in here so if you're sloppy, cleanup can be a bitch on skates.

Put this on any fucking thing that strikes your fancy.
Beats the shit out of Miracle Whip, too.

Raj